Perseverance Blog: Angelique Clarry

Today’s story of perseverance comes from Angelique Clary and her experience with a surrogacy pregnancy!

Mom to two children: Jaxon (9), Maeve (6).

Briefly describe your experience with surrogacy. What interested you? How did you connect with the family? What were your feelings during your pregnancy? What are the steps you took?

I first became interested in surrogacy when my youngest was about 2 years old. I realized how much I loved being pregnant and how much I wanted to be pregnant again, but truly didn't want to change the dynamics of my current family. Having two kids was plenty for us, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I wanted to experience pregnancy again. Right before the COVID-19 pandemic, I had signed up with a surrogacy agency located in California to become a surrogate. I would go to my regular appointments at a local fertility clinic and would fly to California for my bigger appointments with the fertility clinic the agency used there. With all the precautions with COVID-19, the process dragged on, and I was put on the wrong medications. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to continue with that surrogacy journey. A year later, the local fertility clinic reached out to me and asked if I was still interested in being a surrogate because they had a couple that they thought would be a good fit based on my previous profile! I was thrilled and jumped at the chance to become a surrogate again. From being matched with a couple, going through all the screenings, and starting IVF meds, it was a total of 6 months! It was quick compared to the 18 months it took the previous time. Luckily, after one round of IVF and one embryo transfer, I was pregnant!

The intended parents lived about 3.5 hours away, but we had a lengthy conversation over the phone and decided to meet each other. They came to us and we met in person a few times. The couple had been trying for a baby for over 10 years and this would be their first child, baby Cateline. Although we are very different, we did click and got along well from the beginning. During the pregnancy and after delivery, the love and care I felt for baby Cateline was similar to what I feel towards my nieces. I love them and enjoy taking care of them, but I was very ready for baby Cateline to go home with her parents, so I could get a good night's rest. Her parents are amazing and send me pictures a few times a month. I was also able to attend her "Welcome to the World" party in July and see her in person, as well as meet and spend time with their extended family. We are now getting ready to do a sibling journey since they have one embryo left. We are hoping for another easy pregnancy come December.

Surrogacy is a very long and time consuming process for everyone. There were various screenings my husband and I both had to go through, including psych evaluations, background checks and medical screenings. I truly believe women who go through IVF to start families are superheroes! IVF is so hard emotionally, physically and mentally. I had a color-coded, printed calendar on my mirror in my bathroom so I could double check all the meds I had to take every day because it was different from day to day. I had to set alarms every day for those meds, because most of the meds were time sensitive, as well. All of this for 12 weeks! I started IVF 6 weeks prior to the embryo transfer, and continued 6 weeks after the embryo transfer. At that point, I "graduated" to my regular OB and was able to simply take my prenatal for the remainder of the pregnancy. My delivery was super quick and easy, too! I had to wait an hour and half for the on-call doctor to come to the hospital before I could start pushing. Luckily, that helped give the parents time to get to the hospital and they made it 30 minutes before I delivered. Watching them hold their baby for the first time was so beyond incredible!

Who or what helped keep you grounded when you decided to be a surrogate?

My husband was my biggest support through the whole process. He didn't complain once when he had to take days off work to complete screenings or take over childcare when I was on bedrest after my embryo transfer and delivery. I am so grateful for the sacrifices he also made for me to be able to experience this amazing journey!

How did you balance the needs of your family, yourself, and the family of the baby you carried?

I honestly don't know how I balanced it all. Pregnancy is a very easy experience for me so I was able to physically keep up with my family and all the extra sports and extracurriculars. I think being a mom of multiple kids helped, too. You just don't have time to let pregnancy keep you from doing things because you have kids to take care of and things to do unlike my first pregnancy where I definitely took a nap daily and my whole life revolved around getting ready for a new baby. Also, not having to get ready for a new baby is a huge factor. My only planning was for the two weeks I planned to take off work after delivery before my life would go back to normal. Coming home from the hospital and sleeping 14 hours was a surreal experience! I think moms would feel so much more prepared and ready to care for a newborn if they could get a full night's rest after delivering a baby.

What advice would you give to parents in a similar situation and needing a surrogate (or really any parent who is dealing with uncertain challenges)? What advice would you give to someone interested in surrogacy?

Take your time finding a surrogate or family to work with. Every experience is different, but I knew I wanted to be able to keep in contact and get major life updates after delivering my surrobaby. So for me, finding a family that I could have a connection with was important. Not everyone wants contact afterwards, which is totally fine, but you definitely should take the time to decide what you would like after delivery. Knowing what that relationship will look like after delivery helps the surrogate heal quicker with not having to worry about the unknown.

What has this experience taught you about resilience?

It takes a lot of resilience to go through IVF and be a surrogate. That first trimester is truly a test with all the medications and appointments and the possibility of having done it all for nothing if the embryo doesn't stick. I had to truly implement taking it one day at a time and preparing myself to have to bounce back if things didn't go as planned. Most of the time, things won't go as planned but you can't let that fear keep you from trying! The beautiful thing is that I continued with my desire to be a surrogate even after my first journey didn't work out and it resulted in a beautiful baby girl and parents finally getting the baby they desperately wanted. Being able to make that happen was the best reward to my resilience.

What is something you wish others understood about surrogacy?

I always knew being a gestational carrier/surrogate meant that I would not be genetically related to the baby at all, but I was surprised how often I was clarifying this information to people when I would talk about my journey. 

Update on you, and the family you helped?

Baby Cateline is now almost 9 months old and we are actually getting ready to start a sibling journey! The family has one embryo left so I have been preparing to start IVF and we are planning an embryo transfer in early December. I am nervous this time around as I definitely haven't gotten any younger, but I am excited all the same. I am just hoping that I can gift baby Cateline a future sibling on her first birthday!